Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
