Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
