Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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