i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
