I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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