Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Congratulations! We have a period
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