Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Randomize
