Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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