Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
