If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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