Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Drake has all the answers
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
