Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
