I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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