stop calling my apartment porn island.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
