I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
