so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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