She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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