pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
