i was born a porn star she said
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
