I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
