There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize