My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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