you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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