Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
