Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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