The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
