11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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