Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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