I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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