GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
there is glitter all over my balls
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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