your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
