The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
