Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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