Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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