One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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