What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
