my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
