i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
