Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Randomize