eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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