if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
