You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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