I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
