is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
