so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
