It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
