You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
