Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I am spending my child support on dildos
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize