Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
