There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
