She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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