Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
