her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
