He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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