Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
