Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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