apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
