as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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